[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
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Ape together strong
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Somebody’s lying.
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill