It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
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Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.