last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
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Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
This is no longer winter this is harassment
Sunday
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice