The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
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Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
this chia pet tastes awful
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry