Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
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Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
this is me
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on