Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
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ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.