WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
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“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
True
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
Ape together strong