[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
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me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
pictures of spider-man
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..