if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
You Might Also Like
*me flirting
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?