It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
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[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
if my sleeping schedule was a person