I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
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Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
Smile they said.
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral