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My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.