I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
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My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Donating blood today to make room for more food
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
A double negative is a big no-no.
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*