HR: Please don’t begin all your letters with “Dearest….”
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ugh not again
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm