It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
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I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
We need more people like this.
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”