“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
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I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
same vibe as tangled headphones
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”