A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
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My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?