[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
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I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA