it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
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No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
They’re the worst 😩
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.