I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
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nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
Eggs benadryl my favourite
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.