Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
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I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
Nomnomnomnom
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not