IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
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I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
I’m dying louder than usual today.
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.