[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
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Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways