“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
You Might Also Like
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
11: dad do you know what 3+3+3+3 is?
Me: 12
11:
Me:
11: ok I was just making sure that you’re not –
Me: choose your next words wisely.
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”