Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
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Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
When they try to steal your moment.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
I have two kinds of followers
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
Is this the real life?
Is this just
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.