A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
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Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.