*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
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[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥