[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
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Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
I think I’m having a stroke
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?