A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
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God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
Great acting.. 😂
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
#growingpains
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*