I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
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pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father