I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
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When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine