I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
You Might Also Like
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything