Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
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Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.