Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
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OKAY DAD
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop