Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
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The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
Wait a minute…
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
Mood.. 😂
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”