toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
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Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
The devil.
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!