My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
You Might Also Like
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”