[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
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My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.