Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
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Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah