[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
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PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
Just a friendly reminder!
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”