*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
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I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
May have had one breakfast too many
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.