Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
You Might Also Like
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT