Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
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Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
The “baby” on the left….
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.