Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
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The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
This is the coolest video you will see today.
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
Those are good neighbors.
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
These are my roll models.
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*