I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
You Might Also Like
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
Happens to everyone.
The old gods are rising again.
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES