Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
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Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
tourist season
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
i did the math
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again