I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
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My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
felt cute might bury dad later idk
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.