The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
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them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
Something Saturday.
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.