can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
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My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
I finally found a reason to live again.
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked