Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
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[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.